Talent Ambianced1

Ode to the Pop Factor

By Ambianced1 | 2008

I had been thinking yesterday, a phenomenal trick I do from time to time, about strange little things and I happened to get a message from a fellow writer on Talent Data Base, so I read it. While doing so, I decided to check out my dashboard and much to my chagrin, my Pop Factor was 106. 106! And weirdly enough, I cared that it was down from the 150's to 106. I cared about the number and what that meant to my so called "popularity and my abilities" and then I promptly logged off.
106? How wrong they are I thought to myself and to not be on the "most popular" list seemed like a slap in the face...Then I figured something out...My Pop Factor being so important contradicted everything I had been thinking about that day..and I just smiled at how pathetic I can be about popularity and group acceptance.
In order for anyone other than me to understand, the following is what I had been contemplating the day the Pop Factor seemed important.
Five o'clock in the morning although a dismal time to have to get up is a wonderful time really to start the day. As I stumbled out of bed, grabbed some coffee and urged my pups out the door for their morning relief, I sat on the carport and was made aware quite rudely at how loud the birds are when they are waking up and communicating with their neighbors. It was then the oddity of my thought process kicked in and I began my day of wondering.
Sitting there I heard all the birds native to my region in Virginia and many I recognized by their songs: Cardinals, Finches, Robins, Blue Jays, Crows, and Sparrows, all singing their hearts out. But in the far distance, I heard one of the loneliest bird songs there is…A whippoorwill singing his sad call. So I began to think.
Most birds are out and about all together during the day feeding, singing, and sparring with each other for space and are so often seen that sometimes they become a part of the landscape itself. They are easily recognizable and entertain me almost everyday. But the whippoorwill is nocturnal, more often than not, a solitary bird and is rarely if ever seen and being able to hear one is a gift as they are declining in numbers in my area.
Thus began my quirky thought process of wondering if I could choose to be a bird, would I choose the more popular, social type or would I determine myself to be separate and less likely encountered like the whippoorwill or even a night owl.
As the day passed on, it seemed each thing I encountered, I would wonder which one I would be…As a monarch flew by checking out my hanging flowering plants, I wondered if I would choose to be a beautiful butterfly that caught everyone’s attention or would I choose to be a less attractive moth of some sort that blended in and gathered with others confused by the light but finding safety in numbers.
Bees gathering nectar caught my attention and there I wondered if I would be a honey bee networking in a large community serving the queen, the eggs, making honey and communicating constantly in my hive, or would I be a Wasp, living in a small family and serving only my own immediate needs.
I continued this thought process throughout the day…wondering, choosing and comparing my choices with the life I lead today…and I thought I had made the choices that reflected my regular life and my own interpretation as to how I live it.
I thought rather foolishly, that I would be a Butterfly, haphazardly flying to and fro seeking flowers by myself, drawing a bit of attention due to my beauty, but happy on my own just being seen. As a Butterfly, I would not be one of the masses as a moth seems to be and would never be mistaken as a pesky insect because I would be….The Butterfly.
In contrast, I chose to be a Honey Bee rather than a Wasp solely I am sure of the romantic notion of how the Honey Bee is part of something larger than itself and provides for its colony and for the world by pollinating and producing honey…unlike the wasp that is seen as a villain that would and will sting when angered or threatened and seems to only provide for its own. So Yes…I would be the world friendly Honey Bee because that is how I live my life? Hmmm.
As a bird however, I fancied myself more of a romanticist. I considered all the birds with what little I know of them and decided that I would be the lonesome sounding Whippoorwill. Brown in color, nothing spectacular to look at, calling out in the night, protecting my territory, and living a life rarely noticed except through my haunting song. I would live my life never being seen by a human, rarely seeing the light of day and singing my sad lonesome my entire life.
After choosing the solitary Beautiful Butterfly, the social community oriented Honey Bee and the ever lonesome Whippoorwill…I began to see myself in a different light. In my whimsical choices and quirky thought process I had unbelievably described me and I was enlightened.
In my discovery, I realized that Butterflies though beautiful on their own; when put with other types of butterflies, the beautiful Butterfly I fancied myself to be, diminishes in beauty when compared to the more exotic ones. Therefore, being a lone Butterfly, not competing with the others, made it seemed the most beautiful of all. And with that choice, I was embarrassed at my ego, my conceitedness, and my lack of self esteem when dealing with competition.
However, choosing the Honey Bee proved to be quite true as well. I do like to be a part of something bigger than myself. I, like the Honey Bee, look to provide a service, be a part of a group where we all seem the same, and not threatening unless violently provoked and then in that moment, would lay my life down for the betterment of the whole.
And what of the choice of being the lonesome Whippoorwill? That proves to be somehow accurate as well. However much I seem to want validation and seen as beautiful and community based as my previous choices indicate…Deep down in the recesses of my heart, I fear I am the Whippoorwill…Reserved, solitary, and most content when light is not a factor and physical features and social demands are absent. Even though I might seem a beautiful Butterfly to some, and I may be a part of something greater than myself...Left with the choice, I would choose to be covered in darkness, judged not by my appearance and known only by my song. A contrast to the others, but in reality a truth about whom I am at heart.
Of course then, I saw my Pop Factor…and it blew the whole self evaluation out of the window. Apparently when I evaluate myself with an true knowledge of who I am, I am ultimately a visible person who prefers the solitary but in all truth, I am also a Sparrow, a moth, and a wasp; Needing to be heard, needing to be part of a group, and self-serving ready to sting anything for any reason but in all of it I found that I seek approval, acceptance, and validation.
Pop Factors withstanding, I am ultimately made up of all that I see and all that I feel. I am a writer. I am an approval, validation seeking writer and it’s a humbling thing to admit to my psyche.
Yesterday, I discovered that “The Pop Factor” was my ultimate barometer for how good a writer I am. Pitiful as it seems, yesterday I hinged my writings value on a number that is as meaningless and random as what I had last Thursday for dinner. Pathetic to say the least.
So today as I went to read a message from a fellow writer, I tried very hard not to look at my Pop Factor. After all, it means nothing to who I am as a writer and how popular I am in this community is of no importance to me…and I am above all of this... but as my eyes flowed to the top of the screen…I saw it! I am at 137 today! YAY! I’m on my way back up! Then I thought..Well crap! Apparently I am and always will be an acceptance seeking, validation needing writer…who fancies herself to be a Whippoorwill.